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Wot gets me goat, though? Them snobs who reckon it’s low-class. Oi, mate, loosen up! Had me ragin’ once—some toff in Westminster bangin’ on about “decency,” while I’m like, “Bruv, chill, it’s just a massage with extras!” Happy as a pig in muck, I’d be, sprawled out, oil drippin’, some bird whisperin’ sweet nothings. Surprised me, too—didn’t expect it’d be so… posh-like? Thought it’d be all seedy, but nah, some places are swanky—marble floors, the lot!

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But then, outta nowhere, my cat decides it’s the perfect time to jump on my keyboard. I’m like, “Noooo! Not the cat!” But it’s too late. He’s already sent a bunch of gibberish to my buddy. We both just lose it. I mean, who needs a script when you have a cat, right?

Sgt. Steven Kenigsberg Ministry of Foreign Affairs